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Accept Influence from Your Spouse



John Gottman’s fourth principle in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is: Let your partner influence you. Gottman notes that this is typically more of a struggle for husbands than it is for wives. He states, “we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife” (p. 116). This doesn’t mean that wives should have all the power. The power needs to be shared.


Gottman suggests that one way husbands can accept influence from their wives is to look for something you can agree on and figure out how to make it work. For example, Bob wants to have a contractor come to the house every day to remodel the bathroom while his wife, Nancy, is home alone. But, Nancy says she doesn’t like that idea. Bob’s first response is to take control and do what he wants any way since he’s the man and he’s in charge. But, he’s learning to accept influence from his wife. So, he asks her to share her thoughts. Nancy explains that after taking the children to school each morning, she likes to go running and then go home and take a shower. She can’t do that with the contractor at the house. Bob understands and suggests that he could get the kids up and ready for school and then take them to school while Nancy goes running. Then, she’ll be able to come home and shower before the contractor arrives. Nancy agrees that that plan will work. They are both pleased with their decision. Nancy is grateful that Bob considered her feelings and Bob is happy to get the bathroom remodeled.


The greatest obstacle for allowing spouses to accept influence from one another is pride. President Ezra Taft Benson stated, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” It’s easy for us to read about the topic of pride and think of everyone we know who struggles with pride. We think, “I know someone who needs to read this.” But, it’s so hard for us to identify this characteristic in ourselves. We think we’re too good to have a failing like pride. As you read the following statements on pride made by President Benson, consider how each statement affects a marriage and a spouse's ability to accept influence from their spouse.


- “A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him.”
- “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.”
- “Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.”
- “The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3.)”
- “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. (See Prov. 15:10; Amos 5:10.)”


President Benson explained, “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness.” To be more willing to accept influence from our spouse, we need to identify our prideful state, give our will to God, and look at our spouse’s point of view. We need to humble ourselves. If we desire a happy, long-lasting marriage, we can begin our efforts to be more humble now.

References:

Benson, E.T. (May, 1989). Beware of Pride. Ensign. (link: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng&_r=1)

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

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