Turn Toward Each Other

Sometimes marriage can feel overwhelming. The list of things you should be doing can seem daunting and even impossible. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman’s third principle for making marriage work is to turn toward each other instead of turning away. It’s actually a very simple principle that requires only a small amount of effort on your part. He explains, “’Turning toward’ operates under a law of positive feedback—like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit” (p. 89). You have the opportunity to turn toward your partner when they make a “bid” for your attention, affection, or just for a connection with you.

When someone makes a bid for your attention, you have one of two choices. Either you turn toward them or you turn away from them. For example, your wife asks you if her dress makes her look fat. This is a bid for you to turn toward her and reassure her about her appearance. Turning away from her would be you shrugging your shoulders or making a noncommittal response.

Bids come from those you have relationships with other than your spouse and those bids can be just as important. For example, last week, my child came home from school and grumbled, “I hate school.” This was a bid for me to turn toward my child and allow him to tell me about something that’s frustrating him. Instead of turning away from him and telling him he shouldn’t hate school or ignoring his statement, I turned toward him by asking him if he wanted to talk about it. It turns out, he doesn’t actually hate school. He was just having a problem with a friend at school. He was able to tell me his concerns and he came up with a plan to help him through it. By turning toward him, we were able to strengthen our connection and trust with each other. In the future, he’ll be more likely to confide in me because he knows I won’t jump to conclusions or disregard his feelings.

When you’re tempted to feel overwhelmed by all that marriage requires, remind yourself of what President Howard W. Hunter stated, “whatever Jesus lays His hands upon lives. If Jesus lays His hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” With the help of our Savior, through prayer and studying His word, we can know exactly how we can turn toward our loved ones to give them what they need. This will greatly benefit the relationship and, according to Gottman, allow the relationship to remain happy and allow those in the relationship to build trust (p. 87).

References:

Hunter, H.W. (1979, October). Reading the Scriptures. Ensign.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.