No one has a perfect marriage. But, how can you have a happy and successful marriage? In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman shares that friendship is the basis for any healthy marriage. He states, “whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship” (p. 52). Why does he believe friendship is so important for marital success? Gottman states, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (p. 22).
Gottman suggests that couples need to have a positive-sentiment override, with more positive thoughts and feelings than negative. When a couple has positive-sentiment override, they allow each other to make little mistakes without declaring that the marriage is in crisis. They understand that each person in the marriage is human and will make mistakes, so they focus on the positive and offer forgiveness and compassion. Gottman points out, "It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt" (p. 22).
My friends, we’ll call them Dave and Susie, have positive-sentiment override in their relationship. No one keeps a running tally on their positive to negative thoughts and feelings ratio, but they state that their relationship is mostly positive. They make mistakes. They have the occasional fight and they say things they shouldn’t say. But, they don’t hold grudges and they offer forgiveness. Their friendship is deep enough that their relationship can withstand hard times because their focus is on positive thoughts and feelings toward each other.
In his talk, “The Great Commandment,” Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin stated "True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it."
Marriage is hard work! A marriage is made up of two imperfect people. Everyone will have good days and bad days. We need to offer the same love and patience to our spouse that our loving Heavenly Father offers to us. If we want to be forgiven, we need to forgive. If we want our spouse to accept that we will make mistakes, then we need to be willing to do the same for them. We need to be willing to invest the time and energy necessary to strengthen our friendship with our spouse. That means spending time together and getting to know each other.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
Wirthlin, J. B. (2007, November). The Great Commandment. Ensign.
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