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Solve Your Solvable Problems

                                

According to John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work), couples face two types of problems: perpetual and solvable. Most problems in a marriage are perpetual. Perpetual problems are usually a result of the fact that each spouse has a different personality and different needs. Couples can cope with perpetual problems by accepting them, talking about them, and by trying to handle them with humor. Some examples of perpetual problems that a couple may face are differences in religious beliefs or practices, in parenting styles, and in cleanliness and organization.

My friends, John and Sarah, face a common perpetual problem in their marriage. John is messy and Sarah likes to be organized and neat. This could be a source of conflict in their marriage, but each has learned to accept their spouse for who they are. When Sarah sees John's clothes on the floor, she chooses not to take it personally or to feel that John doesn't appreciate her. Instead, she may gently remind John to pick up his clothes or she may do it for him, while jokingly making a comment about the "magical fairy" that cleans up after him.


Couples have plenty of problems that they can work together to solve. Gottman offers 5 steps for solving your solvable problems:

1. Soften your start up.
When you bring up an issue, clearly explain your need and use “I” statements. Don’t start by accusing your spouse with a statement such as, “You never clean up after yourself!” Instead, you can start by saying, “I feel frustrated when I have to clean up after you. I need you to clean up after yourself, please.”

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
A repair attempt is an attempt to deescalate the situation. It can be anything – a word, a phrase, or an action. It’s more important to listen to what your spouse is trying to say instead of how they’re saying it to understand when your spouse is attempting to make a repair attempt. Try to make your repair attempts clear, such as by stating, “I’m sorry I said that. Will you forgive me?”

3. Soothe yourself and each other.
You can't have a productive conversation if you're too upset. Find out what calms you and your spouse. If you get too emotional, go take a walk, meditate, or listen to music. If your spouse needs help calming down, offer to give him a back rub or massage his feet.

4. Compromise.
This doesn’t mean that one person or the other gets their way! This means that you find something you can agree with. Negotiate and accept your partner’s differences and flaws.

5. Deal with emotional injuries.
Acknowledge and deal with painful emotions. Validate each spouse’s perception.

Solving our solvable problems requires dedication and sacrifice. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard states, “When we see our challenges within marriage as customized invitations to greater goodness, we will rejoice in His perfect purposes. When we understand our marriages to be the best opportunity we will ever have to show our generosity of spirit, we will be ready to be the kind of partners God would have us be” (p. 111).

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

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