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Intimacy in Marriage


In a culture where music, books, television, and even commercials are drenched in sex, it’s amazing that couples still struggle with this aspect of their intimate relationship. However, the message sent through these formats is often distorted and unrealistic. Especially among the conservative and the religious, sex is a taboo topic. These youth are often taught that sex is bad and should be avoided. So, when a couple gets married, they suddenly must change their feelings about sex – a topic which they know little to nothing about.

Sean E. Brotherson, in his magazine article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage,” shares what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for sexual fulfillment in marriage: ignorance, inhibition, ill-will, and immorality. To address ignorance and inhibition (avoidance of dealing with it) regarding intimacy in marriage, couples should learn what they can about the topic from appropriate sources, such as from the words of the prophets, scriptures, and appropriate Christian-based books and articles. The responsibility for achieving intimacy in marriage relies on both spouses working together. The key to building an intimate marriage relationship is to unselfishly place your spouse’s needs above your own. A spouse who feels loved and cherished will feel closer to their spouse and will be more likely to engage in a sexually fulfilling relationship.

Spouses need to feel close to each other to have a fulfilling relationship. When one spouse is distracted by work, school, their cell-phone, friends, or their hobbies, the other spouse can feel less important and even unloved. These distractions can cause distance between spouses and can damage a relationship. President Spencer W. Kimball stated, “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes pre-eminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

Acquaintances of mine, Sheryl and Dan (names changed), struggled with their intimate relationship. Dan felt his intimate needs weren’t being met and Sheryl felt Dan was too demanding. They couldn’t find a solution to their problem because neither understand their problem enough to know what to do. After nearly a decade of struggling with this, Sheryl came across a book about intimacy in marriage that she found at the local Christian bookstore. Sheryl was a little hesitant to read the book, at first, but she was desperate. After reading the first few chapters, Sheryl asked Dan to read the book with her. Together, they learned more about intimacy in marriage. Dan learned that there was nothing wrong with Sheryl and he learned more about her needs. Sheryl learned that Dan has different needs than her own, but that that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Reading the book together prompted several open and honest discussions about their needs and desires. Dan learned that when he helps get the kids ready for bed, Sheryl feels a lot more relaxed and “in the mood.” Sheryl learned that Dan needs to know that he is desirable just as much as she does. Their intimate relationship isn’t perfect, but they have improved so much. Sheryl says that just being comfortable talking about sex with Dan has made a huge difference for both.

Some of the books Brotherson suggests as resources about intimacy in marriage:

The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SFJ0BC/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)
Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley (https://www.amazon.com/Between-Husband-Wife-Douglas-Brinley-ebook/dp/B004P5O3FY)

References:
Barlow, B. A. (September 1986). They twain shall be one: thoughts on intimacy in marriage. Ensign.
Brotherson, S.E. (2003). Fulfilling the sexual stewardship in marriage. Meridian Magazine.

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