Marriage

John Gottman’s fourth principle in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , is: Let your partner influence you. Gottman notes that this is typically more of a struggle for husbands than it is for wives. He states, “we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife” (p. 116). This doesn’t mean that wives should have all the power. The power needs to be shared. Gottman suggests that one way husbands can accept influence from their wives is to look for something you can agree on and figure out how to make it work. For example, Bob wants to have a contractor come to the house every day to remodel the bathroom while his wife, Nancy, is home alone. But, Nancy says she doesn’t like that idea. Bob’s first response is to take control and do what he wants any way since he’s the man and he’s in charge. But, he’s learning to accept influence from his wife. So, h...

Sometimes marriage can feel overwhelming. The list of things you should be doing can seem daunting and even impossible. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , John Gottman’s third principle for making marriage work is to turn toward each other instead of turning away. It’s actually a very simple principle that requires only a small amount of effort on your part. He explains, “’Turning toward’ operates under a law of positive feedback—like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit” (p. 89). You have the opportunity to turn toward your partner when they make a “bid” for your attention, affection, or just for a connection with you. When someone makes a bid for your attention, you have one of two choices. Either you turn toward them or you turn away from them. For example, your wife asks you if her dress makes her look fat....

In his book,  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , Dr. John Gottman states, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts” (p. 54). Gottman defines a “love map” as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (p. 54). When you understand your partner’s world, you can more easily offer forgiveness and empathy. If you understand that your partner shouts when he is upset because his parents shouted when they were upset, you can be more patient and forgiving when he shouts at you. That knowledge can help you to understand that you shouldn’t take it personally or be offended when he shouts at you. When you understand that your partner can be soothed after a bad day with a foot massage and some chocolate, then you can offer those things instead of making t...

No one has a perfect marriage. But, how can you have a happy and successful marriage? In his book,  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , Dr. John Gottman shares that friendship is the basis for any healthy marriage. He states, “whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship” (p. 52). Why does he believe friendship is so important for marital success? Gottman states, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (p. 22). Gottman suggests that couples need to have a positive-sentiment override, with more positive thoughts and feelings than negative. When a couple has positive-sentiment override, they allow each other to make little mistakes without declaring that the marriage is in crisis. They understand that each person in the marriage is human and will make mistakes, so they focus on t...