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Love Maps


In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman states, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts” (p. 54). Gottman defines a “love map” as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (p. 54).

When you understand your partner’s world, you can more easily offer forgiveness and empathy. If you understand that your partner shouts when he is upset because his parents shouted when they were upset, you can be more patient and forgiving when he shouts at you. That knowledge can help you to understand that you shouldn’t take it personally or be offended when he shouts at you. When you understand that your partner can be soothed after a bad day with a foot massage and some chocolate, then you can offer those things instead of making their bad day worse by bringing up something stressful.

To create a more detailed love map, couples need to continually be learning about their partner because everyone is continually changing. This is most effectively accomplished when a couple spends time together, listening and learning about each other. Set aside time each day to be together to talk about your day without interruptions and without bringing up stressful topics, such as the kids or finances. Make date night a priority. When you go out to dinner, take note of what food your partner enjoys the most. Talk about your hopes and dreams. Be open and honest with each other. Really notice your spouse and what makes him or her happy.

It can be challenging for a couple to enhance their love map because life can get in the way of relationships. Work, children, school, hobbies, and even bad habits can interfere with a couple staying in touch with each other in meaningful ways. If one spouse spends a lot of time on their cell phone, the other spouse may struggle to find time or ways to talk to their spouse. Or, if one spouse doesn’t like to share their thoughts and feelings, it can be particularly challenging for their partner to really know them. Be creative!

Go here http://www.ldsliving.com/50-Cheap-and-Fun-Date-Ideas/s/71670 for some creative date night ideas!

Reference:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

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