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Compromise


In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman’s sixth principle is to overcome gridlock. Gridlock results when a couple has a perpetual conflict that causes deep emotions that become increasingly polarizing with time. Gottman states, “gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (p. 238).


My friends, Cathy and Ben, regularly fought about finances early in their marriage. Cathy is frugal and carefully plans and researches financial decisions and purchases while Ben is spontaneous and the opposite of frugal. Cathy gets upset and anxious when Ben makes large impulsive purchases and Ben gets defensive when he has to explain his spending. Behind each partner’s position on finances is an underlying issue. Cathy was very poor when she was growing up and she was always anxious about where she’d get her next meal. Money is a sign of security and safety for her. Ben has always had easy access to money. If he has ever found himself in financial difficulty, his parents have always bailed him out. Ben doesn’t really even think about money.


When each spouse explained their feelings behind their position, it was still difficult for each to understand the other’s point of view. However, they each try to remember the issues behind their conflict. They also work together to compromise on some boundaries regarding their finances to help Cathy feel the security she needs and to help Ben feel the freedom he desires. Their conflict hasn’t gone away. Cathy is still frugal and still gets upset when Ben makes a large impulsive purchase and Ben still makes large impulsive purchases. The difference is that now they don’t have those deep emotions attached to their conflict. They regularly check in with each other to ensure that each spouse is comfortable with their compromise.


Gottman suggests you use the 2-circle method to come up with a compromise. Separate your issues into nonnegotiable areas and into areas where you’re willing to be flexible. You aren’t trying to solve the problem. Your goal is to remove the painful emotions associated with the issue.



It can be discouraging when a couple faces perpetual problems and becomes gridlocked on various issues. Gottman notes that 70% of what you don’t like about your spouse will never change. The other 30% will only change when you accept your spouse for who they are (Goddard, p. 125-126). Spouses need to acknowledge their differences and work to find compromises. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard explains, “We need a change of heart. The only way to build a truly healthy marriage is by being a truly good person – to be changed in our very natures” (p. 133). There is hope for your marriage as long as you’re willing to focus your efforts on changing our own heart instead of on changing your spouse.

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

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