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The In-Laws and the Influence of Family Rules


Marriage is more than the uniting of two individuals. When a couple marries, they also gain a new family: their in-laws. It can seem overwhelming to try to navigate these new, complicated relationships. Couples need to decide what kind of relationship they will have with this new family. And, they need to decide which relationship will be more important – their relationship with their spouse or their relationship with their parents.


In their essay, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,” James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen state, “One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis 2:24: ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.’ The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as ‘to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,’ and ‘to remain steadfast.’” While it may be difficult to break the habit of turning to your parents for advice, your spouse should be the one you turn toward first. Your relationship with your spouse should be above all other relationships.


Tense and strained in-law relationships are the target of jokes in television sitcoms and in daily conversations. It makes sense that blending different ideas and beliefs in a marriage can cause a great deal of tension with the added influence of the in-laws. In his book, Till Debt Do Us Part, Bernard Poduska, refers to these differences from each family as “family rules.” He divides “family rules” into 3 categories:


1. Explicit family rules – expressed verbally or posted visibly
2. Implicit family rules – taught with nonverbal communication repeatedly throughout childhood
3. Intuitive family rules – unspoken, but unlike implicit family rules that have to do with everyday issues, these are more about family traditions and beliefs that are beyond everyday issues


Poduska explains that we can cope with these family rules by identifying our own family rules and those of our spouse. He suggests that each spouse write down their family rules, including those that are explicit, implicit, and intuitive. Sometimes, we may need the help of our extended family to identify all these family rules. Each spouse needs to learn to acknowledge these family rules and to try to understand how these family rules affect their spouse.


For example, my friends Teresa and Ben recognized early in their marriage that they each have different “family rules” (they called them “expectations”) from their upbringing. In Teresa’s family, her dad always took out the trash. In Ben’s family, there was no assumption or rule that any one person would take out the trash. Whoever happened to see the trash overflowing was the one who took it out. So, when Ben didn’t take out the trash every time it needed to go out, Teresa would get frustrated with him and sulk. Ben didn’t know what the sulking was about. Finally, an exasperated Teresa explained to Ben that he was failing in his simple husbandly duty to take out the trash. Ben was puzzled until Teresa explained how things worked in her own family. After talking about it, they realized that there were other areas in their marriage where they had allowed their family rules to influence their behavior. Ben still doesn’t take out the trash every time, but each spouse is more patient and understanding with the other now that they’ve identified some of their differences.

References:

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till debt do us part: Balancing finances, feelings, and family. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.

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