Marriage

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Unity in Marriage

The LDS Church is a church that appears to be dominated and led by men with men holding the most prominent positions in the church, such as the First Presidency, the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, stake presidencies, and bishoprics. It would be easy to assume that LDS families should follow this same pattern, with husbands and fathers being in charge. However, this is not the Lord’s way for families. President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.” Husbands and wives should work together to make decisions for their families, calling on the Lord for help when they cannot agree. The most efficient way for couples to work together as equal partners is to participate in family councils. Elder M. Russell Ballard states, “Alma taught, ‘Counsel with the Lord in all ...

Intimacy in Marriage

In a culture where music, books, television, and even commercials are drenched in sex, it’s amazing that couples still struggle with this aspect of their intimate relationship. However, the message sent through these formats is often distorted and unrealistic. Especially among the conservative and the religious, sex is a taboo topic. These youth are often taught that sex is bad and should be avoided. So, when a couple gets married, they suddenly must change their feelings about sex – a topic which they know little to nothing about. Sean E. Brotherson, in his magazine article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage,” shares what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for sexual fulfillment in marriage: ignorance, inhibition, ill-will, and immorality. To address ignorance and inhibition (avoidance of dealing with it) regarding intimacy in marriage, couples should learn what they can about the topic from appropriate sources, such as from the words of the prophets, s...

Compromise

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , John Gottman’s sixth principle is to overcome gridlock. Gridlock results when a couple has a perpetual conflict that causes deep emotions that become increasingly polarizing with time. Gottman states, “gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (p. 238). My friends, Cathy and Ben, regularly fought about finances early in their marriage. Cathy is frugal and carefully plans and researches financial decisions and purchases while Ben is spontaneous and the opposite of frugal. Cathy gets upset and anxious when Ben makes large impulsive purchases and Ben gets defensive when he has to explain his spending. Behind each partner’s position on finances is an underlying issue. Cathy was very poor when she was growing up a...

Solve Your Solvable Problems

According to John Gottman ( The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ), couples face two types of problems: perpetual and solvable. Most problems in a marriage are perpetual. Perpetual problems are usually a result of the fact that each spouse has a different personality and different needs. Couples can cope with perpetual problems by accepting them, talking about them, and by trying to handle them with humor. Some examples of perpetual problems that a couple may face are differences in religious beliefs or practices, in parenting styles, and in cleanliness and organization. My friends, John and Sarah, face a common perpetual problem in their marriage. John is messy and Sarah likes to be organized and neat. This could be a source of conflict in their marriage, but each has learned to accept their spouse for who they are. When Sarah sees John's clothes on the flo...

Accept Influence from Your Spouse

John Gottman’s fourth principle in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , is: Let your partner influence you. Gottman notes that this is typically more of a struggle for husbands than it is for wives. He states, “we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife” (p. 116). This doesn’t mean that wives should have all the power. The power needs to be shared. Gottman suggests that one way husbands can accept influence from their wives is to look for something you can agree on and figure out how to make it work. For example, Bob wants to have a contractor come to the house every day to remodel the bathroom while his wife, Nancy, is home alone. But, Nancy says she doesn’t like that idea. Bob’s first response is to take control and do what he wants any way since he’s the man and he’s in charge. But, he’s learning to accept influence from his wife. So, h...

Turn Toward Each Other

Sometimes marriage can feel overwhelming. The list of things you should be doing can seem daunting and even impossible. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , John Gottman’s third principle for making marriage work is to turn toward each other instead of turning away. It’s actually a very simple principle that requires only a small amount of effort on your part. He explains, “’Turning toward’ operates under a law of positive feedback—like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit” (p. 89). You have the opportunity to turn toward your partner when they make a “bid” for your attention, affection, or just for a connection with you. When someone makes a bid for your attention, you have one of two choices. Either you turn toward them or you turn away from them. For example, your wife asks you if her dress makes her look fat....