Marriage

Marriage is more than the uniting of two individuals. When a couple marries, they also gain a new family: their in-laws. It can seem overwhelming to try to navigate these new, complicated relationships. Couples need to decide what kind of relationship they will have with this new family. And, they need to decide which relationship will be more important – their relationship with their spouse or their relationship with their parents. In their essay, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,” James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen state, “One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis 2:24: ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.’ The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as ‘to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,’ and ‘to remain steadfast.’” While it may be difficult to break the habit of turning to your parents for advice, your spouse should be the one y...

The LDS Church is a church that appears to be dominated and led by men with men holding the most prominent positions in the church, such as the First Presidency, the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, stake presidencies, and bishoprics. It would be easy to assume that LDS families should follow this same pattern, with husbands and fathers being in charge. However, this is not the Lord’s way for families. President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.” Husbands and wives should work together to make decisions for their families, calling on the Lord for help when they cannot agree. The most efficient way for couples to work together as equal partners is to participate in family councils. Elder M. Russell Ballard states, “Alma taught, ‘Counsel with the Lord in all ...

In a culture where music, books, television, and even commercials are drenched in sex, it’s amazing that couples still struggle with this aspect of their intimate relationship. However, the message sent through these formats is often distorted and unrealistic. Especially among the conservative and the religious, sex is a taboo topic. These youth are often taught that sex is bad and should be avoided. So, when a couple gets married, they suddenly must change their feelings about sex – a topic which they know little to nothing about. Sean E. Brotherson, in his magazine article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage,” shares what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for sexual fulfillment in marriage: ignorance, inhibition, ill-will, and immorality. To address ignorance and inhibition (avoidance of dealing with it) regarding intimacy in marriage, couples should learn what they can about the topic from appropriate sources, such as from the words of the prophets, s...

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , John Gottman’s sixth principle is to overcome gridlock. Gridlock results when a couple has a perpetual conflict that causes deep emotions that become increasingly polarizing with time. Gottman states, “gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (p. 238). My friends, Cathy and Ben, regularly fought about finances early in their marriage. Cathy is frugal and carefully plans and researches financial decisions and purchases while Ben is spontaneous and the opposite of frugal. Cathy gets upset and anxious when Ben makes large impulsive purchases and Ben gets defensive when he has to explain his spending. Behind each partner’s position on finances is an underlying issue. Cathy was very poor when she was growing up a...

                                 According to John Gottman ( The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ), couples face two types of problems: perpetual and solvable. Most problems in a marriage are perpetual. Perpetual problems are usually a result of the fact that each spouse has a different personality and different needs. Couples can cope with perpetual problems by accepting them, talking about them, and by trying to handle them with humor. Some examples of perpetual problems that a couple may face are differences in religious beliefs or practices, in parenting styles, and in cleanliness and organization. My friends, John and Sarah, face a common perpetual problem in their marriage. John is messy and Sarah likes to be organized and neat. This could be a source of conflict in their marriage, but each has learned to accept their spouse for who they are. When Sarah sees John's clothes on the flo...

John Gottman’s fourth principle in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , is: Let your partner influence you. Gottman notes that this is typically more of a struggle for husbands than it is for wives. He states, “we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife” (p. 116). This doesn’t mean that wives should have all the power. The power needs to be shared. Gottman suggests that one way husbands can accept influence from their wives is to look for something you can agree on and figure out how to make it work. For example, Bob wants to have a contractor come to the house every day to remodel the bathroom while his wife, Nancy, is home alone. But, Nancy says she doesn’t like that idea. Bob’s first response is to take control and do what he wants any way since he’s the man and he’s in charge. But, he’s learning to accept influence from his wife. So, h...

Sometimes marriage can feel overwhelming. The list of things you should be doing can seem daunting and even impossible. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , John Gottman’s third principle for making marriage work is to turn toward each other instead of turning away. It’s actually a very simple principle that requires only a small amount of effort on your part. He explains, “’Turning toward’ operates under a law of positive feedback—like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit” (p. 89). You have the opportunity to turn toward your partner when they make a “bid” for your attention, affection, or just for a connection with you. When someone makes a bid for your attention, you have one of two choices. Either you turn toward them or you turn away from them. For example, your wife asks you if her dress makes her look fat....

In his book,  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , Dr. John Gottman states, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts” (p. 54). Gottman defines a “love map” as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (p. 54). When you understand your partner’s world, you can more easily offer forgiveness and empathy. If you understand that your partner shouts when he is upset because his parents shouted when they were upset, you can be more patient and forgiving when he shouts at you. That knowledge can help you to understand that you shouldn’t take it personally or be offended when he shouts at you. When you understand that your partner can be soothed after a bad day with a foot massage and some chocolate, then you can offer those things instead of making t...

No one has a perfect marriage. But, how can you have a happy and successful marriage? In his book,  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , Dr. John Gottman shares that friendship is the basis for any healthy marriage. He states, “whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship” (p. 52). Why does he believe friendship is so important for marital success? Gottman states, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (p. 22). Gottman suggests that couples need to have a positive-sentiment override, with more positive thoughts and feelings than negative. When a couple has positive-sentiment override, they allow each other to make little mistakes without declaring that the marriage is in crisis. They understand that each person in the marriage is human and will make mistakes, so they focus on t...

In his talk, “Covenant Marriage,” Elder Bruce C. Hafen stated, “When troubles come, the parties to a  contractual  marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for.” This is the popular attitude toward marriage we see in the world today, sometimes even among members of the LDS church. The world teaches us to put ourselves first and to put our own happiness at the center of our focus. This message comes through popular culture and media, in movies and in television, that teach a casual commitment to one’s spouse. Marriage is hard. It requires hard work, sacrifice, and humility. Elder Hafen continued, “But when troubles come to a  covenant  marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.  Contract  companions each give 50 percent;  covenant  companions e...

What is Obergefell v. Hodges? The Supreme Court case in Obergefell v. Hodges asked 2 questions: 1. The constitutionality of same-sex marriage (the "marriage" question). 2. The constitutionality of bans on recognizing same-sex marriages (the "recognition" question). The conclusions of the case state: 1. "the right to marry is a fundamental right inherent in the liberty of the person, and under the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment couples of the same-sex may not be deprived of that right and that liberty. The Court now holds that same-sex couples may exercise the fundamental right to marry." 2. "there is no lawful basis for a state to refuse to recognize a lawful same-sex marriage performed in another State on the ground of its same-sex character." We don't have to agree with the court's verdict, but we do have to deal with the reality of the effect this will have on those who di...

Marriage trends are changing. The average age of first marriage has increased and growing numbers of couples are choosing to live together before marriage or even instead of marrying at all. Increasing numbers of children are born to unmarried mothers. And, divorce rates are around 40 to 50 percent for first marriages. Along with the rising divorce rate, divorce has become more and more acceptable in today’s society. The purpose of marriage has changed to mean more about the individual and less about children and families. What does this mean for families and society today? Paul R. Amato (2005) compared children in a household with both biological parents with children in a household with one biological parent. In his studies and research, he was able to answer several questions about the differences between these two groups of children. Amato points out that children with both biological parents married to each other are less likely to experience various cognitive, emotional,...